Tonight I witnessed my son growing up. We were saying our nightly prayers and it was the way he was using language and internalizing his words that caught my attention.
He’s growing up before my very eyes and I’m so very proud and happy. His life has given mine meaning in a way my words will always fail to express.
My gratitude to the Lord Jesus Christ for changing me, for lifting up my broken and dying person, my withering soul, is something I only pray I can share and spread for others. I am starting by trying to share Him with my beautiful children and the man I married, with whom I am one.
Reflections on 20 yr. old Victoria.
Recently I have been reflecting on just how I really feel like my life has done a 180 degree turn from whom I was. Prompting this was a desire to get in touch with an incredibly generous family I stayed with in Nicaragua over 20,yes, 20 years ago. Hard to believe the kid I was back then. I had gone on a secular mission type trip to be a helping hand in a library opening in this little town on the border of Honduras. I realize now how eye opening that experience was, and also how much I missed by maintaining my selfishness while I was there. I guess what I really want is a make-up chance. A chance to really give back to that family, and mostly to bring Jesus with me. As a Catholic convert I can really see the ways my selfishness has strayed my heart, frayed it into tiny fragments that would never be whole without Him.
This song is lovely, it reflects more sadness and anger that I let go of a long time ago, but I still really love it. Miss Michelle Shocked.
Today I’m a mother and a wife and we are a part-time military family. Which is sometimes so awkward. My husband goes away for short stints and I fall into single mom, hold down the fort mode. And he comes back and I just don’t know where I stand or how to deal with his presence in our family again. Even after 3 days. I miss him so much while he’s away and look forward to his being home. And the reality of his being home proves harder than the imagined one where he is husband and father and sole breadwinner. I find myself ill equipt to deal with his presence again and every little thing seems to set me off; his disciplining our kids, our schedule, money, pretty much anything. I try to maintain that -Happy he’s home version of Victoria-; it just always seems too short-lived.
So, why is reality so darned Hard? Why do I have to take the kids to mass by myself? Why do things just not go according to my oh so perfect plans? Maybe God is trying to teach me something. Honestly, I don’t know what it is right now. But, I have an idea that it may have something to do with letting go of that selfish Vic, something like dying to self. UUUUUUuuuugh. I really Dislike dying to Self! It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, it means I need to go to confession and to love without expecting to get anything in return. It means I need to actively Try to bring Christ out from under the bushes and shine His light even when it’s really hard. Like right now. Like at the gas station, like here at home and doing the dishes, like when I talk to my husband, like when I am making breakfast for the kids at 630am.
I’m going to go get to nesting. It helps me feel a tad more equipped to welcome a new person into our home. And- I can be so very thankful that we have a place to call home this year. We will probably be staying here for arrival of little one, so that is really something for us. To be able to nest and plant stuff and and and.